RUMInations
by Simplicity Is Bliss
Summary: Whirlwind stories of angst, sadness, and anger, but most of all, love. Inspired by the poetry of Rumi. Fluff, angst and goodness knows what else. RLSB slash.
1. Kernels and Wine

*sigh* I'm sorry, those of you waiting for _Ibex_ or _Hellion_ updates. The muse is a harpy and is overly fond of R/S. And uses my love of Rumi against me. I have no idea how long this series will be.

* * *

"_This that is tormented and very tired  
__tortured with restraints like a madman,  
this heart.  
Still you keep breaking the shell  
for a taste of its kernel." _

by Rumi, _The Many Wines

* * *

_Sirius was half broken, locked in his childhood hell with no escape. At least as a boy he could go out to London and walk around. Now, he was prevented from such a simple thing by Dumbledore's reluctant orders and the on-going man hunt for him, trapped instead in the rotting black opulence of Grimmauld Place.

He had gone past the point of stir-craziness; instead he simply lay on couches or slouched in chairs and got drunk. Not blackout drunk, but forget-your-woes drunk. Remus came home one evening to find him lounging on their bed, half naked, and tipsy.

"Remus!" he called, looking more cheerful than he had in weeks. "Come sit with me!"

Remus could not help but smile—Sirius had always been a happy drunk and here _he_ was again, like always. This was closer to the real Sirius, the one who would have been able to break free if Wormtail had not escaped (part of Remus wanted to catch and brutally murder Peter before dragging his corpse to the Ministry for all to see so Sirius would, at last, be _free_).

"Reeeeeemus," Sirius coaxed when he had not moved yet, "_Please_?"

A smile. "All right, all right." Remus settled next to Sirius on the bed, the white cotton sheets cool through his clothing.

Sirius stared at him, a smile crinkling his eyes, and tilted his head side to side against the pillow.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said and took a swig of what Remus thought was cabernet, "nothing."

"Right," agreed Remus skeptically.

Sirius grinned impishly at him and put the bottle on the bedside table before rolled over to curl around Remus's body for a moment, resting his nose against the rough fabric of Remus's pantleg. With a laugh, he rolled away and tugged Remus down to kiss his lips. Remus tasted the oak and berry of the wine in his mouth and smiled when Sirius tried to deepen the kiss.

He pulled away, "Didn't we learn early on that drunk sex is sloppy sex?"

Sirius pouted, licking his lips in the candlelight.

"When you sober up you can have your wicked way with me," Remus said after a moment.

"Swear?" Sirius asked.

"I swear." Remus nodded.

Sirius tugged him down to lie next to him on the bed and reached over his body to pick up the bottle. "Drink with me in the mean time," he suggested.

"You'll never get laid at this rate," Remus laughed as he accepted the wine and took a sip.

Sirius grunted. "Sex in the morning or whenever we run out. I'd rather drink with you if I can't have sex."

* * *

The next morning, Remus awoke to a pained groan.

"Oooh, that was a little too much last night..."

He cracked an eye open and smiled. He hadn't had nearly as much as Sirius and was feeling quite himself, rather than like a trampled dog (Sirius's favorite way to describe hangovers). "Fresh hangover potion on the left hand side of your table," he said softly.

Sirius must have heard him because there was the sound of wood against wood as the drawer slid open, the gentle clinking of phials, and the pop of a cork. He could hear Sirius swallowing in the warm morning silence.

After a moment, Sirius rolled over to face him and paused, "Did you fall asleep with your shirt on?" he asked with a soft laugh.

Remus peered down at his chest, discovering that he had. "Apparently." He peeled the shirt off and tossed it on the floor, now clad only in his boxers (he had remembered to do away with his pants last night).

Sirius grinned at him and rested his head against Remus's shoulder. Silence reigned, broken only by their breathing and the occasional shifting under the covers.

"Remus?" Sirius asked after some time had passed, "do you think I'll ever get out of here?" He looked hopeful.

Debating how to answer this, Remus bought himself time by pressing a kiss into Sirius's messy morning hair. "I think so, though I can't say when. Peter will probably make himself known at some point in the near future I suspect. He won't hide away forever, not the glory hog that he is."

Sirius seemed to consider this. "First thing we're going to do when I get out of here is go to Fortescue's. And then to a quidditch game."

"Such simple desires," Remus murmured into his ear.

"When have I ever wanted opulence? It's just gilt, Remus, gilt painted on lead. I know that. I want what's real, not illusions. Besides," he smiled up at Remus, "ice cream is decadent enough on it's own—what do I need with the likes of sorbet or gelato?"


	2. Betrayal in the Well

_All this fantasy  
and grief._

_Let my home be drowned in the wave  
that rose last night from out of the courtyard  
hidden in the center of my chest._

_Joseph fell like the moon into my well.__  
The harvest I expected was washed away.  
But no matter._

Rumi, _The Thirsty Fish

* * *

_

Lies! It had _all_ been lies—_years_ _of lies_—and Remus had fallen for it! Fallen headlong and face first in love with grey eyes, black wits, and long curly hair.

Now he knew better, Remus thought bitterly. Better than to fall for honeyed words and soft touches. Quiet _I-love-yous_ in the dark after a moon, curled up against a warm body but still shivering, being pulled closer and careful ministrations.

They all had meant nothing, had only been means to an end—sex and _deceit._

He had choked when he was told by a sad-eyed Dumbledore that Sirius was a liar and a traitor. That he had sent James and Lily to their deaths and Harry to orphanhood (_Nonono! "_He couldn't have!" "He did, Remus. I'm sorry."). Remus had thought Sirius had hung the stars in the night sky and had hoped to spend his life with him. All for naught. A lifetime of plans and hopes and dreams gone in a split second, washed away in the tidal wave of Sirius's betrayal.

Part of him wanted to see the bastard off to Azkaban, to wish him hell and suffering for his _lies._ Another part, the sad-eyed part that couldn't bear to let go of what he thought he had had, refused. Couldn't bear the sight of _Sirius_ going towards Gehenna in a rickety boat across storm-tossed November seas. _Stupid stupid stupid!_ he cursed himself, _he _deserves_ what he'll get!_

_I can't._


	3. Insomnia

"_When I am with you, we stay up all night._

_When you're not here, I can't go to sleep._

_Praise God for these two insomnias,_

_and the difference between them!_

Rumi

Sirius had had detention tonight (three weeks in and five detentions already!), so he hadn't been able to go on the monthly romp through the forest. Instead, he had scrubbed flagstones 'till they shone and his fingers were raw before returning to his empty dorm.

Grousing to himself, he tossed and turned in his bed, periodically glaring at the moon flooding through the open window. Finally, he yanked his velvet bed curtains shut and tried to relax enough to go to sleep. He tried a trick Remus had taught him recently...

"_Breathe in slowly, hold it, and then exhale and imagine the tension flowing out with your breath." Remus instructed a moody and sleep deprived Sirius. It was three in the morning._

"_Sounds like quackery." Sirius raised an disgruntled eyebrow at him._

_Remus sighed impatiently, "It's not. I've been using it for years to sleep before a moon. It usually works. "_

_Grudgingly, Sirius tried it and with each breath, felt the tension in his shoulders and back disappear. He hummed in approval and drifted off to sleep, leaving a smiling Remus on the edge of his bed._

It didn't work tonight. He kept imagining Remus, James, and Peter frolicking through the moonlit woods without him. He huffed with annoyance and resigned himself to a sleepless night.

James smiled at him with sleepy amusement the next morning when he trudged down into the empty common room.

"Long night with your beloved scrub brush?"

"Oh shut up. Long night in an empty dorm," Sirius grumbled.

"You should have come with us, just shown up late," James commented, idly tracing a carving in the wooden table he sat at with one long finger.

"What, fashionably late to a midnight romp? I don't think Moony would have appreciated that."

"Wolves can't tell time," James reminded him, looking bemused. "He was lonely with only me and Peter, you know. Wouldn't shut up, and he kept whuffling and whining."

Sirius winced and ran a hand through his hair, "How is he, by the way?"

"Remus? More cut up than usual, but ok other than that, I think. You've always been the one to check him over and I don't really know how," James admitted.

Peter cracked an eye open, "I'm pretty sure he's all right. I don't know as much as you do, either, but I know more than James," he ignored James's disdainful sniff. "He should be fine soon enough."

Sirius nodded, still unhappy. "All right."

They visited Remus before dinner and he thanked them tiredly when they deposited his school work on the chair next to his bed.

"Hey," Sirius said softly, sitting on the very edge of Remus's bed, "I'm sorry I couldn't make it last night."

"I know," Remus stretched and yawned, "It's all right. That was a spectacular prank so I think it was worth it."

Sirius wanted to tell him that the prank didn't make up for the brutal gashes that the new shiny, pink scars evidenced, not one little bit. He placed a hand on Remus's shoulder, opened his mouth, and then stopped, his jaw shutting with an audible click.

"What?"

Sirius shook his head, "Nothing. I was going to say something pointless, is all."

Remus looked at him with vague curiosity. "All right then," he said, not pushing it any further.

That night was yet another sleepless night. The night following the moon always was since the dorm felt empty without Remus there, but worse than usual since Sirius felt guilty about the night before.

The following morning Remus appeared, looking mostly himself and with a smile on his face. He settled himself between Sirius and Peter, helping himself to a bit of fruit and some eggs. Sirius was still not quite done feeling guilty about the whole thing and Remus seemed to notice this.

He gently nudged Sirius's side, "Buck up. It's not a big deal, Sirius." He turned to peer at his friend, "I don't actually know why you still feel guilty."

"I don't know either...I just do," he replied.

Remus hummed and shrugged, "All right. Let me know when you let go of this." He turned back to his breakfast.

Sirius shot him an unnoticed and mild glare.

Dinner drew to a close and Remus disappeared off to the library to finish his assignments, leaving Sirius to skulk around the dorm by himself, since James was at practice and Peter was off pranking by himself. He hadn't felt he could join Remus this evening—it was still too awkward for him. He had no idea why but it was; Sirius got the feeling he was blowing things out of proportion.

Just before curfew, Remus returned, dumping his books on the end of his bed and flopping on it. Sirius picked his way through James's and Peter's ever-expanding mess and settled on the side of the bed. Remus looked over at him with a raised eyebrow, "Are you done?"

"Done with what?" asked Sirius innocently, a faint smile hovering on his lips.

Remus nodded, "Good."

Sirius chuckled.

"You look tired," said Remus concernedly after a minute of silence.

"Not easy to sleep with a empty dorm," came Sirius's reply.

"You had James and Peter here last night; it wasn't empty."

"Still didn't feel right," he explained. "The night after a full moon, when you're gone, the dorm feels...weird. Empty."

"Ah," said Remus, nodding wisely.

"Yes, 'ah.'" agreed Sirius with amusement.

"Hush," he replied with a mock scowl. "What else am I going to say?"

"'Oh,' for one," Sirius quipped.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer."

"You just did!"

Remus grinned at him, reached up for a pillow, and walloped him with it.

"Oi!" Sirius tugged the offending pillow out of Remus's hands and smacked him back.

"Get your own pillow!" Remus laughed, trying to reclaim it.

"That would require me to fight my way passed that green singing thing under Peter's bed," Sirius replied, holding the pillow just out of Remus's reach.

"You did it to get over here," Remus reminded him, making one last lunge for it before giving up.

"It was asleep," Sirius told him.

Remus nodded with a smirk. "Little musical snores are a good sign that Bearnard's asleep."

"_Bearnard_?" Sirius asked, bemused. "I didn't know we had named it—him, whatever."

"You missed the naming convention when you were serving your first detention," Remus told him.

"And you neglected to inform me?" asked Sirius, looking devastated.

"If you recall, you returned whooping and crowing about something you had done," Remus reminded him. "I never was clear on what it was."

Sirius grinned, "Time-delayed pranks, Remus. They're the wave of the future."

"Oh? It hasn't gone off yet, then?"

"No indeed," Sirius said happily.

Remus smirked, "Do tell."

"Well," Sirius began, "It involves a house elf, a rubber chicken, Peter's underwear, and a shoulder-mounted catapult..."

Morning dawned and Sirius was still explaining the prank to a laughing Remus.


	4. Stone Mirror

_Would you rather throw stones at the mirror?  
I am the mirror and here are the stones.

* * *

_

Sirius couldn't bear the way Remus stared at him. It was a blank stare, far from the one he was used to. That one was filled with laughter, affection, love, and sometimes lust. This one was empty as a cave and as blank as the moon, devoid of life and love. Knowing he had to face up—had to talk to Remus—about what he had done, Sirius managed to get Remus alone despite James and Peter's hovering protectiveness.

Remus, like always, knew what Sirius wanted to talk about. "Why?" He tilted his head, that same moon expression on his face. "Why did you do it?" his voice echoed through the empty classroom.

Sirius closed his eyes, "Because I'm horrible." He swallowed and opened his eyes, trying to meet Remus's almost reptilian gaze. "Because I wasn't _thinking."_

"I'm so vulnerable to you, Sirius," Remus said casually. "You know something can hurt me more then I can properly express. You chose to use that knowledge, even if you weren't thinking about me at the time. You could have killed me, not to mention Snape."

"And there's no way I can ever make up for that." Sirius nodded, tucking back the curtain of dark hair that descended as he looked down, studying the stone floor.

"No," agreed Remus causally. "There's not." He leaned back, lounging against the oak desk behind him.

Sirius sank into a sitting position, head bowed. Silence descended like silken webbing, trapping Sirius until Remus chose to speak, drawing tighter by the moment.

The other boy allowed him to be crushed by the silence for a very long time and eventually Sirius whimpered softly, the quite mewl of pain echoing in the cavernous room and cutting through the web of silence.

"You threw me away, Sirius, out of spite for someone else. You threw everything you had at me and my almost victim." Remus took a deep breath. "Would you rather spite Snape then protect me? There's nothing I can do to stop you." Another pause. A soft, small voice drifted across the gap between them. "I thought I meant something to you. I thought I could trust you."

Sirius's eyes widened. "You can! I love you!"

"Did you?"

Sirius was frantic. "I do! I'm horrible, evil, thoughtless, I never deserved your friendship, much less your affection and I love you!"

Remus's eyes narrowing. _"Right,"_ he said scathingly. "That's _exactly_ why you sent a hapless, nosy moron in after me on a full fucking moon! You knew very well what would happen—what nearly did happen—and that's why you did it. Damn right you're horrible!"

Sirius took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

Remus went on, "Do you know what would have happened if your plan had succeeded? Assuming I didn't kill myself first, I would have been put down like a _rabid animal._  
And even if _I_ never mattered to you, it would have made Dumbledore a political and social pariah at a time when we need him most, assuming they allowed him to remain Headmaster. It would have given You Know Who the upper hand. It could have put you and your family to shame. Sirius Black, the heir of the Black family, associated with a werewolf under their _very_ nose. Or," a new idea seemed to occur to Remus, "perhaps you were doing it to get back in their good graces? Did blood win out in the end? Did you plan to twist it to cripple the Light, allow the advance of the Dark, and prove yourself the Slytherin you should have been? Perhaps they would have re-owned you if you had been successful." Remus twisted the dagger, eyes narrowed and lip curled.

"No." Sirius gasped. "No! I am _nothing_ like my family. I never meant to hurt you!" He stopped. "I'm _horrible,"_ he said softly, "but in a different way then they are. They're intentionally cruel. I'm not. I never want to be what they are. I'll kill myself first! I know there's nothing I can ever do to fix what I did. I know you don't care about me anymore, but I love you." He finished sadly. "Even if you don't believe I ever did."

"Oh, I'd _like _to. You certainly were a good actor and I was quite convinced you loved me as much as I love you." Remus laughed bitterly. "I can't let go of that, you know. I thought you loved me, was proven wrong, and yet I still love you. Does that satisfy you? The pathetic _animal_ can't let go of a wild, impossible dream. A_ lie_. A fantasy so far out of his grasp, out of his league, that he was a _fool_ to ever fall for it."

Sirius slumped back against the desk behind him and curled up into a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees, too crushed to cry. After a moment, arms wrapped around him and he looked up. An angry looking Remus looked back at him. "I am a fool. A goddamn fool." His eyes sparked furiously.

Sirius shook his head. "I love you. I don't know how to prove it to you, but I do"

"You can't. I'm a damn fool. It doesn't matter any more because I can't let go. At least right now. Talk to me again next week and I'll hopefully say something different." He sounded bitter. "And your acting is fooling my heart once again and apparently I'm not so logical as I always thought I was."

"There's nothing I can say to that," Sirius said quietly.

"Hmph. There should be an award of some sort for your skills—I almost believe you." Remus eyed him. "What are you going to do now that you failed? I hope you don't try again. Or if you do, it's _you_ that I get in the end."

Sirius's jaw dropped, stunned. "I would never be so horrible as to do that again!"

"So _stupid_, you mean. You're clever. I think you can find a way to make Plan B work."

"There was never a Plan A, Remus!" He pulled away from the other and scooted across the aisle, becoming furious that Remus wouldn't believe him.

Remus stared at him again, his expression blank again. He cocked his head. "I don't believe you."

"There's never going to be a way for me to prove it to you!" Sirius yelled. "I can't show you, I can't make you feel what I felt when I realized what I had done! Even if you Legilimized me, all you'd see is memories. Not feelings."

Remus raised an eyebrow and hummed. "I can think of two ways. I will never stoop so low as to preform the Imperious curse and I doubt you'll allow me to give you Veritaserum. I sincerely doubt you can occlude at all, let alone well enough to block it. Regardless, I think the point is moot."

"I'll do it." Sirius said promptly. "Whatever it takes for you to believe me, I'll do."

"The serum?" Remus asked, looking surprised. When Sirius nodded, he produced a small phial from his robes. "I suppose my flight of hopefully fancy is paying off."

"Where did you get that?" Sirius asked, half awed.

Remus shrugged. "I'm not going to tell you. I don't trust you anymore and this is a new source so you don't know about it anyway." The first truly vicious grin Sirius had ever seen on Remus's face appeared, curling his lips. "Despite the fact I doubt you can block it, I'm going to be extra careful and make _sure_ you can't."

"Ho—" Sirius started to ask before Remus punched him in the side of the head, hard enough to knock him out. Seemingly a moment later, he swam towards consciousness and felt his jaw being pried open. Something cool landed on his tongue and he floated off towards a hazy sort of world.

"What is your name?" came a cold voice.

"Sirius Orion Black the third." He answered immediately.

"Tell me, who was it your mother was angling for you to marry?"

"Nausicaa Sandford."

"Is she related to you?"

"My second cousin on my father's side."

"Did you ever love Remus Lupin?"

"Yes."

"In what way?"

"Romantically."

"When did you stop loving him?"

"I haven't."

"So you love him now?"

"Yes," Sirius said.

The voice hummed. "Did you have ill intention towards him when you sent Severus Snape to him while Remus Lupin was transformed?"

"No."

"Have you ever planned to hurt Remus Lupin?"

"No."

The voice drilled him for answers for quite a while longer, though for how long Sirius couldn't tell. He came out of the haze, his head throbbing, while explaining exactly how he had felt when he had run away from home.  
"...I was so scared I wasn't any different than they were and sending Snape to Remus has made me even more scared that I'm just the same as they are..." Sirius paused, flushing when he realized he had been baring his soul. "I think it wore off."

Remus nodded, looking calmly at him.

Sirius hesitated, "Do you believe me?"

"I think so."

"Am I...?"

"Forgiven?" Remus asked, a hint of a smile on his lips. "Mostly. I punched you, I drugged you, I asked every question I've ever wondered about, asked you your worst fears and worst memories, so I think we're about even. I need time to get over the anger, but I don't think it will be more than a week or two. And while I still love you, I don't quite trust you like I used to. Hopefully time will mend that."

Sirius nodded. It was all he felt he could ask for.


	5. Coins

_"You know my coins are counterfeit,  
but you accept them anyway,  
my impudence and my pretending!"_  
Rumi, _I Have Five Things to Say_

Sirius frequently wondered about Remus. After the Prank, he had been choked by grief and fear that he would loose Remus's friendship (and James's and Peter's, too) and that he would never be forgiven even if he was accepted back.

And yet, after that his relationship with Remus had shifted in ways he had only dreamed of and it had flowered. The first tentative touches, the first sloppy kiss, the first, hesitant utterance of "I love you," by a flushed and stuttering Remus. Seventh year was paradise, even with Voldemort lurking beyond the gates—he had James and Peter and _Remus_ by his side in the Eden of Hogwarts. Studying took up much of his time, though Remus made his diligence more than worth it. As soon as NEWTs were done, they shut out the outside world and soaked up the summer sun.

Sirius lounged beneath a shady ash tree while Remus sat fishing off a large rock, letting his lure float in the still green lake and hoping it wasn't the squid that took the bait. He would periodically flick his lure in and out of the water, hoping to catch fishy attentions. Sirius couldn't help but he amused. He could tell by the set of Remus's shoulders that he was getting bored and impatient, and he settled back to watch the dance that would play out between Remus's Marauder instincts and his desire to finish what he started.  
Eventually, the Marauder won and Remus put away the fishing pole and stalked towards Sirius, muttering all the while. He flopped down under the tree and pouted, glaring at the lake. A fish leaped out of the water, right in front of Remus's rock and Remus looked like he was considering _accio_ing that fish for spite. Instead, he simply settled for looking nettled and continued to glare at the water.

Hiding a smile, Sirius tilted his head and watched his boyfriend for a moment. He felt that Remus deserved better, that he deserved someone who wasn't a disgraced and disowned heir, who would never and had never put his life at risk.  
He hadn't even felt his expression change, but he felt gentle fingers on his jaw, tugging his face around to meet Remus's eyes. "I know that expression. You're still tearing yourself up over The Prank, aren't you?" When Sirius nodded mutely, he went on, "None of it matters to me." Blue eyes studied him earnestly. "I saw what you were doing to yourself when it happened and I forgave you. That's all that matters for you and I. That, and that you love me back."

Sirius couldn't help but smile, "I do."

Remus smiled and an impish glint entered his eyes, "Good. Then let's go find James and Peter, and put together our final performance."

"The biggest and best last hurrah that Hogwarts has ever seen," Sirius grinned.

Remus grinned at him, "Oh yes. And after that, maybe I should write a book on the history of pranking at Hogwarts," he mused, a smile on his face as he contemplated the idea.

Sirius rolled his eyes with amusement, "Only you would turn the art of prank into an _academic_ pursuit."

"Consider it a guide for our successors." Remus glanced at him from the corner of his eye, a sly smile on his lips.

Rubbing his chin, Sirius nodded sagely, "A worthy pursuit, then."

Remus laughed and pulled him to his feet. "Let's get going, yes?"

They set off in the summer haze, heading for the castle and the common room where James and Peter were sure to be.


	6. Throat Bared

_I'm thirsty for my own blood  
as it moves into a field of action._

Draw the keenest you have  
and strike, until the head circles the body.

Don't stop at the mouth  
Don't listen to anything I say,  
I must enter the center of the fire.

* * *

Molly looked worriedly at Remus as the man mechanically ate the food she put in front of him. He had hidden the killing grief from Harry quite well but now that the boy was back in school, there was nothing forcing Remus to fight the tide.

Battle was always dangerous but Remus was practically _throwing_ himself at every Death Eater that crossed his path with his throat bared. But she didn't think Remus realized what he was doing. He seemed oblivious to every cut, every curse mark, every ounce of pain, and every time he nearly died. Remus simply got back up and flung himself back into the fray, heedless of the trail of blood he left behind.

Tentatively, she asked, "Remus, are you all right? Do you need anything?"

"No. Thank you, however," came the wooden reply. "I'm all right."  
_Lies, Remus. Such lies._

_

* * *

In the blackness, those two friends keep arguing.  
Like a wanderer with no face.  
Like the most powerful bird in existence  
Sitting on its perch, refusing to move._  


* * *

The forever rational part of Remus could practically imagine Sirius's expression. He could hear exactly what his lover would say. "Get on with your life, Remus. I'll be with you before you know it, but only if you let go!" he would argue, grey eyes alight with frustration.

"Can't," was all the rest of Remus could say.

Sirius would pinch the bridge of his nose. "God_dammit_, Remus! You are such an asset to the Order, yet you throw yourself at Death Eaters! You can't join me yet. There's so much you can do—_need_ to do! And yet, you refuse to move." He would pause. "And you can't leave Harry right now. I left you both far too soon—I wasn't supposed to die yet. Be for him what I can't." He would have looked at Remus sadly.

_Harry._ The rational part urged the emotional part to remember duty and love for his best friends' child and his lover's godson.

A dark, opaque veil slid between them and Sirius smiled at him through it.  
"I love you."

_

* * *

What can I say to someone so curled up with wanting,  
So constricted in his love?_

* * *

Tonks chewed her lip, staring at her husband in the candle light as he shifted restlessly, asleep. Sometimes he would look so sad even in his sleep that it broke her heart. But then he turned over, shifting towards her, nuzzling her shoulder and smiling into her curly hair. A hand shifted to touch her naked side and he muttered something that sounded like it started with an 'S.' He smiled again and opened his eyes. After a moment of bleary smiling, he registered who she was and there was a flash of disappointment, quickly tucked away. He patted her hip and rolled back over with a shallow smile.

And for the very first time, she wondered why she had tried so hard to get him when she now realized he hadn't wanted her. Tonks knew she had worn him down, worn him into dating and then marrying her, and she thought he had just been reluctant because of his condition. She believed she had won his love. She hadn't; only his dull, plodding tolerance. Her eyes prickled with tears as it hit her like like a ton of bricks.

_

* * *

Break your pitcher against a rock.  
We don't need it any longer  
to haul pieces of the ocean around.

* * *

_After he began seeing Tonks, Remus realized he wasn't over Sirius and he never would be. He had let go of everything but the memories and he no longer grieved so hard. Sirius wasn't here anymore but he was Remus's past. He had defined so much of Remus's life—even when he had thought Sirius had betrayed James and Lily, Sirius had defined Remus's world. Everyone had been measured up against him and found wanting.  
His love wasn't _lost._ His love was his past and therefore his present. It was the ocean in which he swam.

_

* * *

We must drown, away from heroism,  
and descriptions of heroism._

* * *

The battle was dirty. Remus dodged and ducked spells, tripping over rock and skidding to avoid shards of broken glass. He just wanted this to be over. He wanted to lie down and curl up in a ball and not get up until he was damn well ready to face the world again. He wanted to go home and play with his son in the yard and pretend this had never happened.

There was a cold laugh to his right and he whipped his head around to see a Death Eater slouching against a wall, oblivious to the fray that raged not thirty feet away. Remus was cornered.

"Shall I exterminate you now?" he man asked, examining his gloved nails.

_Dolohov._ "No," was the short reply.

Dolohov tilted his head and cast a spell. It moved slowly, lumbering through the air and Remus fired back, sending a blazing indigo spell speeding towards the other man. Dolohov didn't move fast enough and he dropped when the spell hit him in the chest, throwing him back. He dropped with thud and slid on stone and glass.

Remus knew there was no way out; time seemed to slow as the lumbering fireball was too close for him to escape it. He closed his eyes as it touched down on the stone in front of him and blazing white light blossomed behind his eyelids. There was a blast of black and it shifted, a flickering, iridescent curtain of shimmering color appearing. Then Sirius was standing in front of him, an eyebrow cocked. "A modified crioni hex? Quite the curse, if his instant death was any indication."

Remus looked away for a moment. "It's war, Sirius."

Sirius hummed. "I know. I wasn't judging you. Just commenting." He stopped and smiled. "I missed you," he said, moving forward and draping lazy fingers over Remus's hipbone and hooking a finger through a belt loop. "Love you."

Remus looked at him from the corner of his eye and smiled back. "I love you, too."  
Sirius's smile widened.


	7. Come This Way

_Drumsound rises on the air,  
its throb, my heart._

A voice inside the beat says,  
"I know you're tired,  
but come. This is the way."  


* * *

It was three weeks until the next moon and Remus felt as though he had transformed _yesterday_. His bones hurt, his muscles were sore, and he felt frustrated and desperate about the situation with the packs. Dealing with them was disheartening and left him feeling drained, like a thin rag someone had wrung out and left in the sun.

The pack members' arguments rang with truth quite often. Most wizards (_they_ said all, he said most) were terrified of werewolves and treated them like shit. They didn't want werewolves cleaning the streets, much less _teaching_ their children, as one had pointed out with a snide smile for Remus. What was the point of fighting for the Ministry and its citizens if werewolves were forbidden from even the most menial of jobs?

He had tried to point out the illogical nature of helping Voldemort, who, he reminded them, would kill them as soon as they had outlived their usefulness. They had sneered and the same man who had made the earlier remark noted that at least if they were helping the Dark Lord, they would get their revenge and perhaps take a few purebloods with them.

Shaking his head and feeling three times his age he limped through the yellow street lamp light towards the front door of Grimmauld Place, hoping to catch food and a nap, preferably with Sirius, before the meeting started.

Luck was not with him. The Order was converging on the dark little kitchen when he entered the room and Sirius caught his eye, sending an apologetic expression his way and patting the bench next to him.

Remus smiled tiredly and made his way over to take the seat. "Anything left to eat?" he asked softly as he dropped on to the bench.

"I think so," Sirius nodded. "Molly?" he asked as everyone scuttled around the table, looking for empty spots.

"Yes, Sirius?" she asked him, eying Tonks and Bill as they chatted.

"Anything left for dear old Remus of that fabulous stew you made?" he wheedled.

She looked over at them and Remus smiled at her. He knew he looked a wreck and the eternal Marauder urged him to play that up in hopes of more food. It made Remus smile a little bit more. "I believe there is." Molly switched into Mother Mode and went about making a bowl of it for him.

"Thank you, Molly," Remus said earnestly as she deposited the steaming bowl of stew and a piece of bread in front of him. "I really appreciate it."

She smiled fondly at him. "You're welcome, dear," she said before returning to watching Tonks and Bill.

As Remus started to dig into his stew, Sirius smiled at him again and leaned closer. "Rough couple days?"

"You have _no_ idea," Remus said between bites. "They decided to haze me before they'd let me talk at all and, Jesus, it was an obstacle course! I had to do it every day I wanted to talk."

Sirius nodded, a small, wry smile quirking his lips, "Not so easy to jump railings and run mazes at our age, is it?"

"No," Remus sighed. "It's not."

Dumbledore appeared and immediately the room settled down, an attentive hush descending. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen," he said evenly. "Before we begin, is there anything of immediate, pressing concern?"

Romilda Archer immediately spoke up, but as soon as she started going on about the potential corruption of owl treats as a means of limiting communication, Remus went back to his soup.  
The meeting was mostly uneventful. Or rather, no more alarming than was usual for an Order meeting. The wizarding world was closer to killing itself than ever before, but the pace hadn't changed drastically so there was no reason for extra worry. His was the last report and Remus delivered it calmly, ignoring Snape's usual scorn and nodding politely when Albus told him that securing the packs' neutrality was of grave importance so he must be more diligent about gaining it.

After the meeting let out Remus and Sirius made their way upstairs, Sirius silently seething over Dumbledore's implications that Remus wasn't trying hard enough.

When they reached the top of the dark stair, Remus stopped and Sirius almost bumped into him. "Hush, Sirius," he said, placing a hand on Sirius's waist and running a thumb over the material of his vest. "He has a lot on his mind and doesn't really see—"

"He _should_ see what it does to you, Remus!" Sirius interrupted with a furious hiss. "You come back from these meetings looking like the dead—"

Remus glared tiredly at him, "Thanks."

Sirius sighed, "That's not what I mean and you know it. You look exhausted, Remus. Drained and pale. He should _see_ that."

"But he doesn't, Sirius—he's just human. He's juggling the Order, Hogwarts, and politics all at the same time. He sees the results I can't give him, not how exhausted I become _trying_ to give them."

Sirius looked sad, "You forgive too much, Moony."

"I know," Remus leaned closer and brushed his lips over Sirius's. "I know."

"Come on then," Sirius sighed again. "To bed with us."

"You don't have to go sleep now just because I am," Remus objected.

"I know. I want to, though. I hardly ever get to see you and we can talk a little before we sleep," Sirius said, taking Remus's hand.

Remus nodded and allowed himself be lead into their bedroom. Sirius insisted on divesting him of his clothes and then sent him to take a quick shower while he tidied up their room. Remus kept the shower short and was soon back. He smiled at Sirius's humming as he put away the books that had accumulated on the floor of his side of the bed, and rummaged through a pile of freshly folded clothing on the desk when he felt Sirius come up behind him and rest his chin on Remus's shoulder.

"Do you need underwear to sleep?" Sirius asked him, sounding vaguely amused.

"For pajamas," Remus explained. He felt a wicked smile curl Sirius's lips against his neck. "No sex tonight, so yes, pajamas."

"I wasn't even thinking about sex—any more than normal anyway," he chuckled. "I was just thinking how much nicer sleeping naked is." Another smile and Remus felt Sirius's lips against his neck. "We both know you like to cuddle. Skin to skin cuddling is always nicer—"

"Than skin to cotton cuddling?" Remus asked, smiling himself.

"Yes," Sirius replied shortly. "I know you're exhausted so I swear I won't even think about making moves on you tonight, naked or not."

Remus rested his head against Sirius's. "All right. I'm too lazy to look for underpants anyway." He paused before adding, "You did wash the sheets, right?"

"Of course," Sirius nodded. "This very morning."

Remus smiled again. "Right then," he said, removing his towel and draping it over the desk chair. "But you have to be naked, too."

Sirius nodded. "Naturally," he said and started on his shirt. "I did say skin to skin, didn't I?"

Remus smiled at him and moved to sit on the bed, watching his boyfriend strip. Even if he wasn't interested in sex at the moment it didn't mean he didn't like watching the unveiling of Sirius's body.

As soon as he was naked himself, Sirius gently pushed Remus over. "Under the sheets," he urged. As soon as Remus had complied, he was rewarded with the cuddling he was so fond of and it hardly took any time at all before he had drifted off to sleep.


	8. Stay With Me

_Then the new events said to me,  
"Don't move, a sublime generosity is  
coming toward you."_

An old love said, "Stay with me."

I said, "I will."

* * *

Rain sounded against the roof of Remus's ramshackle cottage and he drifted towards consciousness on a warm, wet summer morning. After a time he looked over at the other side of the bed, occupied for the first time in many years. He could not help but smile.

Remus lay in bed for a while longer, enjoying the sound of rain and the smell of it as it wafted through the open window, the soft breeze ruffling piles of paper sitting on the wooden desk, and the coolness of the air on his foot sticking over the edge of the mattress. Thoughts of tea entered his mind and he got out of bed, hunting for underwear in a pile of laundry waiting to be put away.

A soft, sleepy call, "Come back to bed?"

He looked over and saw Sirius blearily looking at him over his shoulder, his messy hair dark against the pillow. He smiled at Remus in the half light of the cloudy morning.

"All right," Remus said, abandoning his quest for underwear and tea. He climbed back into the warm bed with a contented hum.


	9. Like This?

_When someone mentions the gracefulness  
of the nightsky, climb on the roof  
and dance and say,_  
Like this?  


* * *

Unless there was an exam in the morning or a paper due, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and James always spent the new moon night on the astronomy tower, ducking the caretaker and drinking butter beer in the starlight.  
Tonight, Sirius was telling them a story about the time he hit Andromeda with a tartanella jinx and she spent the next twenty minutes tap dancing until she could find her wand.

"She almost tripped on her mother's cat, too!" he laughed, imitating Andromeda's dance. "I've never heard that mangy cat yowl so loud as when Andy stepped on her tail." Sirius continued to jig for a moment, his hands held out for balance as he jumped and tapped his feet, a dark, graceful shape against the starry night. His face was lit by bluebell flames Peter kept in a jar and he threw his head back with a private laugh.

James grinned, anticipating a hilarious story. "What're you laughing at now, Pads?"

"My aunt's expression when Andy stomped on the cat's tail. She looked ready to kill, but on her that look tends to resemble constipation more than anything else," Sirius snickered.

"Yeah?" Remus asked. "My cousin Hilde is the same way. Quite hilarious. Our other cousin Greg wrecked her broom when she was nine and he asked her if she had to use the bathroom."

"Ah," Peter grinned as the others snickered, "potty humor. Refuge of all little boys."

"And some big ones," Remus added, shooting Sirius a look.

"I can't help it if you don't understand the glory of poop jokes," Sirius said with mock disdain.

James and Remus both shook their heads and Peter laughed at him.

* * *

_When someone quotes the poetic old image  
about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,  
slowly loosen knot by know the strings  
of your robe.  
_ Like this?  


* * *

"No," Sirius said and stepped back. Remus frowned; he had never backed away from sex before.

"Everything all right?" he asked, concerned and puzzled.

"Oh yes," said Sirius, deceptively calm, and then he smiled devilishly. "I want to do something different, that's all."

"Good." Remus smiled at him. "I was wondering if you were, I dunno, sick or something."

Sirius laughed, "No. And you know, flu sex is hot." He laughed again when Remus wrinkled his nose. "I'm only kidding."

"Good," said Remus. "I wasn't about oblige you next time you were sick." He paused, a sly look coming over his face. "What exactly was it you were thinking about doing tonight, hm?"

Sirius's expression became equally sly, "Sit down on the bed and you'll find out."

"Ooh," Remus grinned, looking pleased. "A show?"

"Indeed," Sirius laughed wickedly.

When he was sure he had Remus's complete attention, he slipped off his vest, unbuttoning it slowly. It slid off his shoulders and dropped to the floor. Long fingers fiddled with his shirt and then, button by button, he revealed pale skin, smooth in the light of the half moon shinning through the tall open windows. After dropping his shirt, he moved to his black pants, the zip shining silver and the button glinting brass as the pants slowly slid down long legs, taking his underwear with them. He stepped out of them and sauntered towards the bed, as confident as he was fully clothed. Sirius leaned againt Remus's knees and played with his shirt buttons.

Sirius purred, "Ready?"

Remus's eyes widened. _"Yes."_

* * *

_I am a sky where spirits live.  
Stare into this deepening blue,  
while the breeze says a secret.  
_ Like this.  


* * *

Sirius never tired of looking at Remus's eyes. They were a lovely cornflower blue and seemed to express everything Remus ever felt. They widened in surprise, darkened with lust, glazed over with pleasure, and conveyed every nuance of feeling from joy to anger. Sirius felt suspended in time for a moment when he met those eyes, no matter what they were saying.

Remus leaned in, staring into Sirius's eyes and he was transfixed. _"I love you,"_ Remus whispered.

* * *

_When someone asks what there is to do,  
Light the candle in his hand.  
_ Like this.  


* * *

Remus's expression was concerned as he leaned towards Sirius, sitting next to his prone form on the couch. "What can I do to make this easier for you?"

Sirius glared at him from under his crossed arms, "There isn't much _anyone_ can do."

Remus sighed, "Pads, don't be difficult. There has to be something I can do to make Grimmauld more bearable."

He mulled it over and then smiled. "Be you. Be there. You and Harry."

Remus smiled at him and pecked him on the lips, "I will."


	10. Water of Life

_The Prophet said, "There are some who see me,  
by the same light I am seeing them.  
Our natures are one.  
Without reference to any strands  
of lineage, without reference to text or tradition,  
we drink the water of life together._

* * *

Sirius lay on his back with his arms crossed under his head, lounging on the summer grass. The sun shone on he and Remus as they relaxed in a moment of peace. Remus lay on his stomach, dozing in the summer afternoon on top of their picnic blanket. A breeze stirred his hair, casting it in gold as the warm sun played across his hair and skin. Grass tickled his face and he shifted in his sleep, a small smile playing on his lips. Sirius smiled, too.


	11. Filled With You

_I am filled with you.  
Skin, blood, bone, brain and soul.  
There's no room for lack or trust, or trust.  
Nothing in that existence but existence. _

* * *

Sirius lay curled in a ball on their mattress, the sheets kicked off and the pillow shoved against the headboard. He sniffed, rubbing his face against his arm as he shifted on the bed and Remus chuckled. Sirius cracked one eye open at the soft sound, looking blearily up at him. A sleepy smile crossed Sirius's lips and Remus smiled back in the watery dawn light.


	12. Announcement v2

Still being eaten by _The Avengers,_ so I'm afraid that this is, sadly, not an update for actual ficcage.

However I have another announcement to make.

Teal deer: leaving FFN because it appears that FFN is run by bigoted heterosexist assholes. I'm a queer and I'll be damned if I participate in my own oppression.

Longer story:

I have been hearing that FFN requires that all slash fic (even if it's, like, innocent hand holding rather than graphic lemon fic) be rated M, and that they will delete non-M rated slash stories. I have tried to find out officially from FFN but have been unable to reach them (they have no forum to contact them through, no response to my attempts to contact their twitter or my emails, etc.), so I'm going with what I've been hearing for several months and assuming they have this policy. There comes a point where I cut my losses, so to speak, and this is it.

A) I write _a lot_ of slash, so I'm pretty sure a huge number of my fics are in danger of deletion.

B) Far more importantly, this is heterosexism (the idea that the only "natural" relationships are heterosexual relationships and that all others are unnatural (if you agree with that, go fuck yourself to death with the nearest sharp object)) and as someone who is queerer than a two dollar bill, I will not participate in my own oppression. I encourage you not to, either, since it's homophobic on their part and fuck that noise.

Therefore, I am 100% leaving FFN for Ao3, DW, and LJ (links to which can be found on my profile page, along with ones to my Tumblr, Twitter, and dA). In three weeks, all my shit is coming off this site, whether it's gen, het, or slash.

Also, Ao3 isn't giving out invites to current users at the moment, since they got a good 17,000 requests around the time I initially posted my announcement-y thing. If I haven't given you an invite by this point, it's because I'm out and they aren't giving them out anymore.

- I've been accused of "rashly ragequitting". I've been sitting on this decision for a couple months because I would in fact prefer not to because a) this is the largest fanfic site on the interbutts and b) deleting my shit is more work than I actually want to do.

- Let me repeat: I've attempted to contact the FFN people via email, tweet, and every other way I can think of in order to clear up this rule, to no avail, for months.

- I have combed over the rules and not been able to find anything to explain what I've been seeing and hearing.  
To quote the friend I first heard about it from:  
_All of my stories on are listed as M even though they are PG and PG-13... reason: I have had a friend banned on for posting an innocent slash story (the characters were only holding hands and talking about their kids!) However a righteous mother had the author removed due to her not properly rating offensive content (homosexuality) as mature where her sweet innocent child could find it._  
(yes, I know, hearsay, but see below)

- I've been accused of rumor mongering. Yes, I initially heard about it through rumor in the slash community and I was disinclined to believe it at first because it sounds very unreasonable. But I've had far too many fluffy, non-porny, non-violent slash fic go AWOL from my favorites here and other authors I know have had their shit removed (slash stories which I have read and can attest to being 100% G rated) with this as an explanation (on top of hearing the same thing about authors I didn't). So no, I'm not.

- A couple of people have assumed I'm bailing because of what some homophobe said about my work. No, because that would be letting them win and fuck that noise. If I had had some asshole shitting on my stuff because of teh ghey, I'd egg them on until they exploded (I tend to treat bigots like pinatas because they are full of delicious rage and lulz).


End file.
